|All life's answers are on TV.|
|Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.|
|It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.|
|Homer: Are you
saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
|Marge: Do you
want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
|Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.|
every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember
that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
|Operator! Give me the number for 911!|
brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this
thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
|Old man: Take
this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
|Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)|
|Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.|
|Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?|
|Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.|
|Ah, good old trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.|
did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
|Curse you, magic beans!|
representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam)
|Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.|
Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
|Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...|
|Lisa: Dad, we
did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
|Donuts. Is there anything they *can't* do?|
|(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).|
|What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.|
little sentences that will get you through life:
1. Cover for me.
2. Oh, good idea, Boss!
3. It was like that when I got here.
|A cool ball gathers no gutters|
Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
|Does whisky count as beer?|
George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
|Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will.|
|"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."|
|Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!"|
|"I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"|
|I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, Please Superman help me!|
|"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."|
|Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.|
|"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."|
|Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.|
|"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"|
|I'd say you're a lying scumbag.|
|"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."|
|We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!|
|"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"|
|"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs."|
|"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."|
|"To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!"|
|"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"|
|"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."|
|"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get!"|
|"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"|
|"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?"|
|"Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!"|
|"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."|