| All life's answers are on TV. |
| Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. |
| It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. |
| Homer: Are you
saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. |
| Mmmm, Gummy-Beer. |
| Marge: Do you
want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male
stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? |
| Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is. |
| Homer: But
every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember
that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! |
| Operator! Give me the number for 911! |
| Homer: Okay,
brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this
thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! |
| Homer:
But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? |
| Old man: Take
this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? |
| Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) |
| Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. |
| Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? |
| Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. |
| Ah, good old trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. |
| Marge: Homer,
did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. |
| Curse you, magic beans! |
| Big brother
representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) |
| Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. |
| Homer's brain:
Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! |
| Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... |
| Lisa: Dad, we
did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. |
| Donuts. Is there anything they *can't* do? |
| (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). |
| What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. |
| The three
little sentences that will get you through life: 1. Cover for me. 2. Oh, good idea, Boss! 3. It was like that when I got here. |
| A cool ball gathers no gutters |
| Lenny: Hey,
Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! |
| Does whisky count as beer? |
| Homer: (On
George Bush) I didn't vote for him! Marge: You didn't vote for anybody. Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical. |
| Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will. |
| "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." |
| Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!" |
| "I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'" |
| I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, Please Superman help me! |
| "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." |
| Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. |
| "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." |
| Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers. |
| "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" |
| I'd say you're a lying scumbag. |
| "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." |
| We monorail conductors are a crazy breed! |
| "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" |
| "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs." |
| "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." |
| "To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!" |
| "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" |
| "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." |
| "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get!" |
| "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" |
| "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?" |
| "Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!" |
| "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." |
